When his heart breaks on good-bye
by TwilightPony21
Summary: Harm and Mac still can't find the words to say good-bye. Two-shot AU tag to the season four finale where Harm leaves JAG to return to a fighter squadron. Harm/Mac.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi, everyone! This little two-shot actually started as a challenge to myself to write more character thought and less dialogue – but without getting bogged down in too many words. I wanted to get a little more inside Harm's head, but I also wanted to keep a good flow to the story. I have to say, I'm not sure if Harm's head is the easiest place to be!**

 **I love the good-bye scene in the season four finale and I enjoyed writing this little tag. I hope you like it, and please let me know what you think. Thanks for reading!**

* * *

 _Did you think you'd sneak away without saying good-bye?_

 _Why good-bye and not good luck?_

 _Didn't I say that to you once when I was stupid enough to leave JAG?_

 _Yes, you did._

 _You said you were happy for me._

 _I was. But that was different. You were in love._

 _And you're not?_

It's eerily quiet north of Union Station this evening, and it mirrors the mood of the Navy lieutenant commander who returns home to the loft apartment alone.

The elevator gate bangs closed behind him, and somehow he manages to balance a cardboard box in one hand while he unlocks his apartment door with the other. Once inside, he sets the small box of possessions down on the counter, precariously balancing his prized model Stearman on top.

He stands there for a moment, mindlessly spinning the propeller on the toy plane, his expression weary as if there's not just a single thing but many things weighing heavily on his mind.

Suddenly, he yanks at his collar, wanting to escape the uniform he wears. He makes his way into the bedroom, unbuttoning his shirt as he goes. As he shrugs it off his shoulders, his hand catches on one of the shoulder boards, and he pauses to trace a finger over the JAG insignia.

There's a small pang inside his chest as Harmon Rabb acknowledges what he left behind that afternoon.

A love for the law.

A promising career in the courtroom.

And half of the formidable team known as Rabb and MacKenzie.

 _It's MacKenzie and Brumby now._

Harm shudders inwardly. It doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

He changes into a clean T-shirt and jeans and sinks down on the bed with a heavy sigh. He falls backwards onto the mattress, rubbing a hand over his face and trying to process the emotional roller coaster that has been his life for the past few weeks.

He admits that it hadn't been easy to walk out of JAG that afternoon.

While they had their differences, Harm respects Admiral Chegwidden and it had truly been a pleasure serving under his command. But the look in the admiral's eyes and his abrupt dismissal had felt like a harsh slap in the face. On paper, he may have approved the change of designator, but Harm can tell that the admiral strongly disapproves of his senior attorney's decision.

 _Former_ senior attorney.

In contrast to the admiral's stone cold demeanor, Bud had looked completely lost.

 _What the hell am I going to do without you? I'd rather lose to you than beat anybody else in court._

He's still green and a little unsure of himself, but Harm knows Bud will do great. The lieutenant has a good heart and he works hard. He'll make a fine lawyer someday, and Mac will help him out if he needs it.

And Mac will keep Brumby in line, too. Harm knows the Marine major isn't going to put up with any crap from the Australian commander, and it helps soften the blow of giving up his office to the self-serving, arrogant bastard.

 _Former_ office.

Harm has a new office now, and it's waiting for him in Pensacola.

He smiles. He can't explain the thrill that races through him, the sheer anticipation that he's about to go back on a carrier and back into the cockpit of an F-14.

 _All I've ever really wanted to do is fly._

He's in love with flying and always has been. The crushing moment when it had been taken away from him still remains burned in his memory forever.

He had been hobbling up and down the hallway within the intensive care unit, desperate to escape that damn hospital bed but wincing in agony every time he put one foot in front of the other. The doctors and nurses had rushed to help him back into bed, and that's when he had noticed their grim expressions.

Night blindness. His days as a fighter pilot were over.

Angrily, Harm punches his fist into his pillow and his mouth hardens in a determined line. Jordan just doesn't understand. His friends at JAG don't understand. They all don't realize what had been taken from him and what he now has the chance to take back.

Feeling unsettled by his sudden introspection, Harm picks himself up off his bed and heads to the kitchen.

He flips through today's mail and it vaguely registers in his mind that he should forward his mail while he's away. He notices a pretty white envelope addressed to _Lieutenant Commander Harmon Rabb_ , and he slides his thumb under the flap to open it.

It's a photo from little A.J.'s christening. Harriet has already gotten the film developed.

His eyes light up with happiness as he studies the photo of Harriet holding little A.J. Bud stands next to her, glowing with fatherly pride, and both of A.J.'s godparents stand beside them.

Harm is honored that Bud and Harriet asked him to be little A.J.'s godfather. By the time he returns from the carrier, he's sure he won't even recognize the new baby. A.J. will have grown so much already, and he'll probably be running circles around his parents.

And Harm and Mac have been entrusted as godparents of the little terror.

Harm chuckles to himself. He thinks he'll take godparenting over full fatherly responsibility. He's not ready for that yet.

Maybe someday.

 _There's a lot of time for stuff like that_ , he assures himself.

With Jordan?

He's not so sure about that part.

As if on cue, there's a knock at the door, and Harm carefully places the photo back in the envelope before going to answer.

"Jordan." He steps back to let her in.

She's still in uniform, her cover tucked under her arm.

"Hi," she says quietly, fidgeting nervously and refusing to meet his eyes.

She knows.

"So you heard."

"I did." She nods brusquely.

"I report to Pensacola in 48 hours." He comes right out with it because he doesn't think there's any reason to delay where he knows this conversation is going.

"Then it's true."

The look in his eyes confirms it.

"Jordan." He takes a step towards her, and she backs away with dangerously watery eyes.

"I've never been dumped for an airplane before," she says bitterly. "That's not a break-up story you hear every day."

"I'm not dumping you," Harm argues. They've had this fight before, and he doesn't really want to do it again.

"No, you're not." Jordan squares her shoulders and stands a little taller. "Because I'm dumping you."

Harm recoils slightly, and he can almost feel the iron walls reconstructing around his heart.

"It's for the best," Jordan reasons, and Harm isn't sure if she's trying to convince him or herself. "I fell in love with Harmon Rabb the lawyer, not the fighter pilot who's more in love with his plane."

She's lashing out because she's hurt, and Harm thinks he should feel more guilty than he does. Instead he's overtaken by a sharp stab of irritation.

"What does love have to do with anything?" he finally asks.

"Apparently not as much as I thought," she whispers, her lower lip trembling. She turns away and barely chokes out her final words. "Good-bye, Harm."

It's not until after Jordan is gone, slamming the door behind her with a force that shakes his entire apartment, that Harm finds the ability to take a step forward.

He slumps against the door and for a very long time, he stands silently with his forehead resting on the cold, hard surface.

He doesn't know how much time passes before another knock breaks the silence.

Jordan?

Harm's fingers freeze on the doorknob, unsure why she would come back and unsure if he wants to face her again.

But it's not Navy white on the other side of the door, and Harm is almost relieved to see Marine green.

Mac smiles at him and holds up a couple of take-out containers. "Hi," she says. "I thought you might want some dinner."


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope you like the conclusion with a little more romance for Harm and Mac.**

* * *

He thinks his partner might be trying to kill him.

 _Former_ partner, he corrects himself quickly.

When he peeks into one of the take-out boxes, the smell of ground beef and grease is overwhelming, and it makes his stomach churn.

"You trying to give me a heart attack before I leave?"

Mac emerges from his bathroom, changed into civvies now, jeans and a V-neck pink top that Harm has seen her wear recently. He decides he likes the way she looks tonight.

"You better get used to it, flyboy," she tells him. "I don't think they have much in the way of fine dining on a carrier."

"I survived on carrier food for years," he points out. "Not on Beltway Burgers."

Mac reaches for the other take-out box. "Well, then it's a good thing that's for me, and this one's for you."

It's couscous, grilled shrimp, and arugula on a bed of fresh vegetables, and Harm is reminded of an identical dinner years ago. It was a peace offering then. He thinks it's more of a farewell offering now.

He still keeps vintage _acqua minerale_ stocked in his fridge, for those occasions when Mac is here – he wonders just how many occasions that is anyway – and he reaches for two wine glasses and pours them each a snifter.

Unlike the previous meal, where the only place in his apartment that hadn't been torn up had been his bedroom, Harm is able to offer her a seat on the couch this time. But there's still the same feeling of familiarity as they settle in side-by-side with their feet up on the coffee table.

"To good luck," Mac says, raising her glass in a toast to him.

"To good luck," he echoes, clinking his glass against hers.

They dig in to their food, eating in silence for a few minutes, until Mac finally speaks.

"So you're heading to Pensacola."

"In 48 hours."

"44 hours and 12 minutes," she informs him, and he can't help but smile.

She takes another bite of her burger. "So is Jordan going with you to see you off?"

A shadow falls over Harm's eyes, and he looks away. "Ah…no."

"She already said good-bye?"

"Oh…she said good-bye all right," Harm says, forcing the lightness into his voice.

But his tone doesn't fool Mac, and when she looks into the depths of his eyes, she can easily read the whole story. She puts a hand on his shoulder in comfort, and he doesn't even notice that he's reaching up with his own hand to lace their fingers together.

"I'm sorry, Harm."

He shrugs. "I guess Jordan and I...we just weren't meant to last forever."

A strange expression crosses over Mac's face, as if she's remembering something unpleasant. It's there for only a fleeting moment, and then it's gone, but Harm notices.

"Mac?"

"It's nothing," she insists.

 _Sometimes I think it'll last forever. And sometimes I think it'll last until you decide you want him._

* * *

A couple of hours later, they still haven't moved from the couch. The empty take-out boxes and wine glasses still sit on the coffee table, the food and drink consumed long ago.

Harm feels a warmth spreading inside of him and wonders how he could possibly get buzzed on a glass of mineral water. It vaguely crosses his mind that maybe the feeling has more to do with the Marine curled up on the couch next to him.

He's stretched out on one end and Mac is stretched out on the other, their legs lying parallel alongside each other somewhere in the middle.

He doesn't even realize that he's absently rubbing his fingers against her ankle.

It feels nice. Comfortable. Intimate.

She's nestled against the cushions, and she hasn't said anything in a while. In the dim light of his living room, he can't tell if she's asleep.

"It's getting late."

Well, she's awake now, and she's gazing at him with drowsy eyes. "I should get going."

 _Stay_.

The word is on the tip of his tongue, but he can't make it come out his mouth.

He swings his legs off the couch and offers his hand to pull her to her feet. Without letting go of each other, she takes their empty glasses to the sink, and he follows with their makeshift dinner plates. There's a soft glow from the reflections of light in the kitchen window, and they stand face-to-face, mere inches apart, their fingers still entwined.

"So I guess this is it," she says quietly.

He nods, and they stare at each other for a long time, neither wanting to be the first to say good-bye.

She finally manages a small smile. "Take care of yourself, sailor."

"You, too, Marine."

Harm lets out the breath he had been holding and wraps her in a hug. Closing his eyes, he buries his face in her neck, inhaling the scent of her skin and committing it to memory.

Mac blinks back tears as her hands skim over his shoulders and tighten around him.

 _Everybody who's ever meant anything to me is leaving my life._

"Mac, you understand this is something that I _have_ to do."

"I know." She bites her lower lip and swallows the lump in her throat. "And you'll do great. I'm sure you'll show all those fighter jocks a thing or two."

He smirks. "Well, I'll try to keep them in line."

"And who's going to keep you in line?"

She tries to laugh, but her voice breaks instead, and the strength holding back her tears finally fails. "Damn it, why am I crying again?"

He simply brushes away her tears with his thumb, and he thinks he would do it forever if she needed him to.

 _Stay with me tonight._

"Harm."

 _I can't say good-bye to you. Not yet._

She brushes her lips against his in a hesitant, featherlight kiss, and then she draws back, stunned by her boldness and the resulting electricity between them.

"Harm, maybe we shouldn't. Jordan…"

He's on fire, his body humming with arousal, and he doesn't want to think about Jordan.

"She's gone, Mac," he whispers, pressing his lips to the corner of her mouth and trailing a line of soft kisses along her cheek. "She's not coming back."

"But...you and I…"

He lightly nips her ear and his breath sends a shiver down her spine. "I'm not in the JAG Corps anymore."

And if that's the final closing argument of his career, he's glad it's convincing.

She melts into him completely, and his lips crash down on hers. The kiss is hot, passionate, and heartbreaking all at the same time.

Her arms wrap around his neck, pulling him close, and his hands slip under the bottom of her shirt, lifting it slightly to stroke the bare skin beneath.

He's not even sure how they make it to the bedroom.

He ensures that she loses her shirt along the way, and now he's swiftly unbuttoning her jeans, peeling them over the curve of her hips and down her legs. The lacy things she wears underneath come off easily, and his eyes darken as he drinks in the sight of her without clothes.

She's just as focused on undressing him. Quickly, she divests him of his own shirt, running her fingers over the lean muscle that's always hidden beneath the uniform. He trembles under her touch, and when she unzips his jeans and presses herself against his hardness, he thinks he's about to come undone.

He falls back onto the bed, sinking into the pillows and pulling her with him. Gently, he rolls them over so he's on top and can gaze at the beautiful sight before him. His fingers run through her hair, and his lips brush against the sensitive hollow of her throat.

"Harm."

In all the times she's uttered his name – or yelled it or cursed it – he knows it's never sounded like that before.

Soft, sensual, and laced with desire.

For him.

The way she moves beneath him and the soft sighs that escape her lips are driving him out of his mind. His hands tenderly caress her curves, and his mouth presses heated kisses into the most intimate places.

She closes her eyes and her entire body shakes with pleasure as he thrusts himself deep inside of her, sending waves of fire straight to her core. And as their bodies come together, tangled between the sheets, they both surrender and leave each other breathless.

* * *

Hours later, just before the early morning dawn, Harm lies awake in the darkness of his bedroom. Mac is snuggled into his side, radiating warmth against him. His body is completely satiated, and he thinks that he should be asleep but he can't stop the whirlwind of thoughts from spinning inside his head.

He knows what it's like now, the sweet taste of her lips against his mouth, against his skin. But he can also taste the salt of the ocean and the gritty fumes of jet engine fuel. And he can hear the roar of the fighter jets, the wind whipping across the deck, the waves crashing against the carrier…and the perfect way her breath catches when he slides inside of her.

He stares at the ceiling, his eyes filled with conflict and his heart divided. How did he get to this point anyway? Did the laser ablation that restored his night vision also change the way he sees the beautiful Marine asleep in his bed?

And when she looks at him the way she did tonight, does she see the lawyer or the fighter pilot?

"Both."

Did he say that out loud?

"Yes."

He can feel the smile in her lips as she presses a sleepy kiss against his bare shoulder.

"I didn't mean to wake you," he says softly.

"They're both a part of you," she whispers, her breath warm against his neck. "The lawyer and the fighter pilot. They're the same man."

 _I know why you don't want me to fly. You're just afraid of losing me._

 _Maybe. And maybe I'm just afraid you'll lose yourself._

His heart swells inside his chest as he realizes what she's admitting, and he leans over to capture her lips in a long, tender kiss.

She's still hovering on the edge of sleep, and she murmurs incoherently as she drifts off again, leaving him lost in thought.

He feels like he's half complete. There's still an emptiness inside of him, the constant longing for the open sky. But she's filled a lonely hole in his heart, and there's a certain element of heartbreak in their lovemaking tonight.

And he doesn't know how to tell her.

 _I have so much I want to say to you, but I can't find the words._

And he wonders if saying good-bye like this is the same as saying _I love you_.


End file.
